In my mind the year has almost run its course and it is August now, I am looking at what I have achieved this year and as the kettle boils I get up to make a cup of tea and I confess to myself that I have been a bit restless lately. Being a runner means I am always calculating how far I am from my destination and constantly assessing the speed of travel, unconsciously that reflects in my career too and my life.
This minute I love what I am doing and the next minute I want to do something completely different because I seek change so often you could call me fickle but at least I am honest. The focus on my long term ambition is so strong that I am always trying to walk faster than I am walking, do lots of things, do everything and think more than necessary, it’s a permanent tussle. Its true, ambition can be nerve wrecking, you are constantly looking for that next step that’ll take you further up and when you find it, another search begins.
I have done an ultra marathon this year which I am proud of and work has been very humbling too so overall by August I must be in a good space but the kind of person I am I won’t feel successful until I know what my December looks like, how the next year is going to pan out; I am constantly trying to shake off the fear of not being able to keep up with the pace I need to in order to get to where I want to get. Constantly reminding myself that I cannot be slow and I cannot stop.
So as if these thoughts weren’t crazy enough to make you crazy there are people too, people who will tell you that your pace is too fast or your aims too big and although it is hard, it’s the only way-you have to keep telling yourself that your goals are defined by your abilities and there is no better judge of your abilities than you!
What I really want to do is find a place in my career where I feel I belong, where I am not ‘being’ compelled by ambition, I’m not ‘being’ aggressive, not ‘being’ fierce but just ‘being’. Just being and experiencing the speed of not moving or wanting to move.